when you don’t feel love or beloved when you are lonesome and lonely when getting up hurts when there is no joy what then? when you feel old and heavy when age seems to define you when bones ache and muscles pull when getting up cost energy what then? when there is no friend when… Continue reading What Then?
I am dealing with the worst RA flare I ever had. My hands feel broken, every movement hurts and just getting up takes all the strengths I have. Oh God, why me? (Why not!) I have lost, gained and regained the same pounds over and over. I seem to be running in circles, like a… Continue reading 80 Days to go
If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question. What a silly statement or perhaps it isn't? I suppose it means we should always expect the worst (Answer) -no matter what? But wouldn't that be a total contradiction of how I want to be? The open-minded, positive thinker who is optimistically searching to find… Continue reading The Answers I did not want to hear!
I feel a bit like an explorer. I am on a journey but in my case, it is a voyage without return. There is no safe harbor. I have to find a new place to live. That's the way I look at it. Why not make it an adventure. I am on a mission to… Continue reading Well done Universe!
When your heart gets broken why doesn't it stop beating? I have often wondered about it, this is not the first time I felt like an iron fist has clenched my heart, but perhaps it will be the last time. I surely hope so but know better. Yet, not even twelve hours later, I find… Continue reading Today the Fridge will Stay Closed and I will be Pouting
I fought a hard battle today and I won. It took me over an hour, but in the end, I declared victory and I smiled. Ordering in, such a silly little habit and a tremendous obstacle in my way to better health, and weight loss. Fastfood, what an addiction it has become. To make matters… Continue reading Overcoming my Fast Food Addiction
Hearing my husband talk to our dog hurt me. "Mama is mean," he said and I am not sure if I was supposed to hear it or not -perhaps it doesn't even matter. We have been arguing a lot lately. The moment I started to speak up, was the moment when our relationship took a… Continue reading Am I the Mean Wife?
I have thought about my blog, have read a lot and have made up my mind. I will not follow certain blogging rules, will publish controversial posts the same way I will share everything else. I will be respectful and kind, will not abuse the right to judge, just because I am hidden behind a… Continue reading Complicated in all its Simplicity
Even here, far away from their everyday life, he found the time and a place to make a call. Nothing important, in just a short while he won't remember who he talked to. His eagerness to stay connected with the world had turned into an addiction. Soon he would be back, and she would smile… Continue reading The Distance so Close
My old way of eating has left me morbidly obese. My new lifestyle and my new way of cooking and eating will make me perhaps not the biggest loser, but I am determined to lose the extra weight, and I intend to have fun while doing so. 15 pounds down so far. High Five to… Continue reading Spinach-Cucumber-Avocado Salad with Wasabi Dressing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HFFSYcEMCI I met him online last night. He made me smile, he made me cry. Mixed emotions, my favorite cup of tea. Of all the success stories and transformations I have seen, it's Kai's story I relate to the most. If I could meet him in person I would sit beside him and pet him on… Continue reading My Hero – A Dog
While I love the freedom that comes with working at home, it can get lonely at times. These days I can't stomach listening to the news for too long, and often I get tired listening to the radio, and then Olivia and John Walton -and their kids and Grandparents and friends- come over a daily… Continue reading What I learned from The Waltons
I am always the clown, the one who is in a good mood and tries to lift others up. Today in the morning I tried to lift myself up –literally- and I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift my own weight up, had to hold on to the nightstand to get back on my feet. Searching under… Continue reading Big Girls Do Cry
Blindfolded, with kids laughing around her, she won't see it coming, they had made sure of it. "Now or never," the moment had come, it would change their family forever -there was no going back. Slowly she reached behind her, made sure nobody was watching. The last thing they needed was a witness. Finally, the… Continue reading The Perfect Surprise
I looked outside and saw the cars driving by. Many of our neighbors had tables set out, our annual Spring-Community-Sale was in full swing. I stayed inside and watched from the sideline. This was not how I had planned it. I felt a bit like a grounded child, felt like someone had sent me to… Continue reading A Goal without a Deadline is just a Dream
30 minutes swimming in the deep end and a jump from the 3-meter diving board, that's all she had to do. Iris looked down on her bathing suit and touched the little white patch with her wet fingers. This one, THE FREISCHWIMMER (Free Swimmer,) had been easy, only 15 minutes of swimming and a small jump. But… Continue reading What it takes to be a big girl
Dare to Be When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully. When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light. When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it. When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway. When life seems to beat you down, dare to… Continue reading Dare to Be
"If you think it can't get worse," Petula sighed with a heavy heart. "Com' on, it's not that bad. Somehow we'll always make it work," Clark tried to cheer her up. "I don't want to be here," Petula sounded like a spoiled child. "I want to be in the next picture." "It's not up to… Continue reading Lesson Learned
The Hunter had been in a foul mood all weekend long. He is hurting, something is wrong with his foot, but he refuses to get it taken care off -takes pain pills instead and moans and groans whenever he gets up. It's especially bad when his wife is watching him, almost as if he would… Continue reading Grumpy-Hunter Day
How do you forgive yourself when you have destroyed your own life? When you have self-sabotaged and talked yourself out of every healthy choice you're presented with? When you engage in a pattern of self-destructive behavior that only feeds on itself and drags you down into a black hole? At times, I feel like my… Continue reading Forgiveness for the Fat Lady!
For those of you who are obese, who never know just when to cease obsessive and incessant stuffing, who walk upstairs with lots of huffing, you may be wondering just why the doctors and the books all lie. You've tried the Atkins and the Eades, have eaten rabbit food and weeds. Have starved yourself… Continue reading Obesity Explained or Not!
The Jewish Sabbath is important to Stan, he spends all day at the temple. Fully armed, he stays in the back and watches out for the congregation. He had been hesitant at first. Had sworn he would never set foot in a church, ever since she left him at the altar, but things are different… Continue reading Give and Take
I am right here beside you, waiting to be seen and heard wishing back the times when no screen took you away. These days I am in competition with technology and so often I lose and I stand on the sideline. Watching you staring at a screen lost is a virtual world forgetting reality. I am… Continue reading When I was Enough
'Write an essay until the end of the day,' she had said with a smile and gave me the ugliest picture I had ever seen. My future depends on this story, lays in the hands of a teacher, who will either show mercy or let me fail. How can I dream if there is emptiness? How… Continue reading The Ugly Picture
'Why don't you take care of the grass,' the hunter said and for the first time in their long life together she understood. He had been raised and taught to hunt for food and provide for his family. Their home and everything in, and around it, was her territory -no matter what. In the evening… Continue reading The Hunter and his Wife
I've noticed when it comes to a healthy lifestyle I maintain an all or nothing approach. The light switch is either flipped to on, where I'm all in and give 100% to diet and exercise, or it's flipped off. Then the workouts are absent and the urge to binge eating over rolls me like a… Continue reading When Life feels like a Light Switch
It's late. The streets are empty and quiet, people are at home sleeping. Now it's time for me to get out. Freezing, I walk the streets in my old neighborhood. The corner store had been sold last week and I can't wait for the grand opening. Finally, there will be a gallery in my street… Continue reading Masterpieces
She remembered the first drive to boarding school vividly. She had cried -had made silent promises. She would not eat or sleep. She would not participate in school or in after-school activities. Now, years later, she walked through the garden with a heavy heart. Her childhood was over, tomorrow they would be sent home after… Continue reading Her Life in a Monastery
"Don't eat so fast," my Mother said when I was just a little girl, but it didn't help. I gulp food down; it has always been that way. I am a speed eater. I am the first to make a happy plate. I am the first who gets up to get seconds. I don't care… Continue reading Bite Me Slowly!
Just a few feet away there is life. I can hear people talk, there is laughter. One small step is all it takes -but I am afraid. How will they treat me? Will they be kind and understanding or cruel perhaps even turn away from me? Being different is tough, always has been. Times have… Continue reading Into the Spotlight
I looked at my toes and noticed it was time to get a pedicure. I am not the only woman who gets a pedicure, but I am often the only one who needs it because she cannot do it herself. I am too big, my belly is in the way and my arms are not long… Continue reading Obesity -When Toenail Painting Becomes a Circus Act
Perhaps it's the same with us. We are puppets on a string, reacting and acting the way we are supposed to. Functioning day in, day out. We play a role in the theater of life and we never dispute our part. Cutting the strings will set us free, yet we fear the freedom it will bring.… Continue reading Bad Puppet!
I can and I will march on to my drum Achieve the impossible Live my dream Make a fist just because I can I have found a rhythm so it seems, march to my own drum -still stubbornly holding on by a thread. I have lost 11 pounds so far and I am mighty proud… Continue reading Pigs fly -Porkchop Style
A simple reminder that better times will come. Old, forgotten music instruments can be seen everywhere. A sign of the resistance -a rebellion they didn't expect. One day they came, and took it all away, it was part of their plan to make us glorious again. The world turned dark, the music stopped, the laughter died.… Continue reading Soon
Why are you attacking me, what have I ever done to you? I want to scream but I don't say a word. I haven't treated it right, have ransacked and abused parts of this beautiful, fat body for quite some time. I am carrying an imaginary adult person on my shoulders, everywhere I go. Goodness,… Continue reading I cannot be Trusted -yet
Robert Frost, when asked to provide a poem for an ecumenical religious site, wrote: We dance around the ring and suppose But the secret sits in the middle and knows. I wanted to share this piece of wisdom with everybody. How can so much wisdom come across in with just two lines?
I want to be able to do, what I can't do right now. Go for a walk with ease and not huff and puff already on my way out the door. Stand up with my head held high, and not with shaky knees. Get up and offer my seat, and not be the one who… Continue reading Small Dreams by a Big Lady
Everything I say and do you soak in the filth of your suspicion. You mock me with cold heavy glances. Worms slither from my fingers. My eyes turn hideous, like those of a witch. My hands are snakes that uncoil to choke you; but my feet stand shamed glued to the floor, trying in vain… Continue reading The Soaked Pillow
This week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I started and restarted my health journey twice. The second time I even cooked breakfast for my husband and was able to ignore the hunger feeling that overcame me -but not for long. I realize I have to dig deeper. I am an emotional eater and I need… Continue reading A Jump of Faith Back to My Roots
I am hungry. I could eat a horse, or a pig, or perhaps just the two Chinese lunch specials I order so often. $5.99 lunch specials, they come with either fried or white rice, and an eggroll. Why do I think it is a fantastic offer? Their food sucks, the owner has anger issues and… Continue reading Hanging on by a Thread but Hanging on
One step forward, two steps back, that's the way I am moving right now. I juiced for 3 days and went down the rabbit hole again. I know what I have to do, I can see it so clearly, yet I cannot get my head in the game. What will it take for me to… Continue reading Eat to Live or Live to Eat
Today is Day #1 I spent the rest of last week preparing for this big step. I gave up caffeine and it almost killed me -or so it felt. I didn't think it would be a big deal but learned quickly otherwise. I felt the withdrawal in my whole body. I am now on day… Continue reading Ready Player…Go!
The roses are for my blogging premier and I appreciate it. I am glad I found them, they were hidden, hard to see. Curiosity got the best of me -as always- and I clicked myself to the price. Of course, it's just a picture! It's the virtual word but still, it means so much to me.… Continue reading Perfect Timing Indeed
Today in the morning I stepped on the scale. 315 lbs it said, and I quietly stepped off. I knew the number wouldn't be pretty, had expected nothing less. I have RA and I am talking steroids since almost three years. I have gained 85 pounds during this time. Weight gain is a normal side… Continue reading Rock Bottom!